Whatever happened to Gideon Television?
"The last thing I remember, I was running for the door...."
That was eight months ago, at the Aloft. The fog clears, and memory comes streaming back to me, gushing across my eyes like an enthusiastic actress in a hard-to-believe-it's-real stag loop. But as the drugs finally wane, I begin to question. Where am I? Where have I been? Whatever happened to Gideon Television?
Gideon shines at The Aloft
After the humiliation salvation of being kicked from Big Brother, I needed to get away. Some time far from the madding crowd, to get my head straight.
And where better than Second Life's premium hotel destination, The Aloft. What a nice surprise. Bring your alibis.
Gideon does Big Brother - Part Four
And so it ends, not with a whimper, but with a bang...
Gideon does Big Brother - Part Three
Big Brother finally sent down our challenge for the week. Remember, this is the first truly International Big Brother, open to all avatars, and where peoples of all faiths can come together, set aside their differences, and respect one another's beliefs. When we try to escape the values of the mundane world, and stand side by side as one people - christian, jew, islam, hindu, buddha, Gorean.
So naturally, our challenge was to build a huge fucking Christmas Tree. Oh come all ye faithful.
Gideon does Big Brother - Part Two
I awake the next day, the machines buzzing in my head, as I stare at the droning ceiling fan. "Big Brother. My God, still Big Brother".
While I was out, more pointless furniture had been installed and one contestant had been sent to the emergency ward. But none of that compared to the dawning realization that there's was something different in the air, something.... sapphic.
Gideon does Big Brother - Part One
By the time you read these words, it will be over. Degenerated into bloody farce, with accusations of cheating, blackmail and vote rigging.
But this was before. This is my diary from inside the Big Brother house. Fifteen avatars locked up together, 8 hours a day, making virtual history. And I was to be one of them.
Like anyone really cared....
To whom it may concern
"This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the Second Life immersion courses over the months since my first introduction to the shall we say, ethics involved with online relationships in virtual worlds, it's proven to be very true....
My rod and my staff
Forgive me, children, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession, In that time I have taken hallucinogenics, I've had impure thoughts about my neighbor Lanna, I've fornicated many times (with both women and animals) and become an apprentice to the current fad of guerilla bukkake. And frankly, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
But now I have seen the error of my ways, I have found the light. And in doing so, have built a shrine to my revelation, high on a green and pleasant hill in Second Life.
Come join with me now, in The First Church of Gideon Television, (Superstar)™.
Helping You to Lead the Way™
I guess it was an innocent enough comment, over on YesButNoButYes.com:
"Is there any sort of drug scene in Second Life for Gideon to explore?"
I'd been clean six months, but as soon as I read the words, the roof of my mouth went dry, and I got that weird itching between my knuckles, like cunnilingus from a thousand angry fire-ants. I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew it was too late.
I was going to have to go back. To score some Seclimine™.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
On Saturday, I finished my last piece, just before deadline. "The Best Little Whorehouses in Second Life". Catchy. With a title like that, no-one would miss the irony. At least, not unless they were OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS.
By Sunday, the feces, as they say, had not so much hit the fan, as had ricocheted back into my face, adding a visceral edge to the shit-eating grin I was already wearing. Angry strippers, jealous husbands, enraged pimps - I was getting hit on all sides, even threatened with elimination from Second Life.
But this is a fair world, a civil and just world. A world where safety systems are enabled so that grievances can be resolved in a calm and resolute manner. And so I put that theory into practice.
I went shopping for the biggest badass gun money could buy. With pictures.
The Best Little Whorehouses in Second Life
"I think it's time you gave us something more hardcore".
It was Scaramouch, the editor of YesButNoButYes. "A longer form piece, something that'll really show us what Second Life is all about, through the eyes of it's first gonzo journalist. Tell me, what do you spend most of your time there doing?"
My fingers paused over the keyboard - it's the same goddam stupid request Editors always ask, to 'get under the skin' to 'peel back the layers'. Only two weeks on the payroll, and already this jackass was wearing thin on me.
"Mainly, I fuck strippers" I replied, truthfully. After all, why lie? A beat, and then...
"OK then - how about the "Ten Best Escorts in Second Life"? We LOVE those Top Ten lists".
It was either continue to type, or punch my fist into the screen. "Do I get an unlimited expense account? In Linden Dollars?"
And so it was decided. I would spend seven days on a road trip - call it "Fear & Loathing in Second Life" - taking in ten of the best escorts the Lindens have to offer. It's a hard assignment, but someone had to do it.
Gideon in Vegas
Gideon Television (Superstar)™ reporting directly from Second Life.
It's a sorry fact that, when you frequent as many Escort clubs and titty bars as I have to (if only to give those lonely strippers a brief moment of escape), you also see a good amount of seedy slots, worn baize and cheap lottos. While it's true that there are more places to gamble in Second Life than hungry fleas on a dog's carcass, there's still only one place for a true gentlemen to spill his financial seed.
We're talking Vegas, baby.
I'm Gideon, Fly Me
Gideon Television (Superstar) reporting.
When the pain of signing autographs and being recognized across Second Life becomes too intense, I like to kick back at Abbotts Aerodrome, where a parachute and aviator goggles afford me some anonymity. There's a whole range of things to do here, including piloting a variety of flying machines, skyboarding - even dogfighting. But it's the tranquil beauty of freefall skydiving that's my bag, man.